Dear Grandpa

I miss you. I love you. Has it really been 4 years? I can't believe it! Not a day goes by that I don't think of you or mention you. I woke up today remembering every detail of this dreaded day. I knew it was coming (then and now) but I guess in the back of my mind (again then and now) I never thought it would really come.

First, I remember March 28th, 2008. The day we had our family meeting. Where you and grandma announced you had cancer. My mind, body and soul fell apart. I couldn't control the tears that streamed down my face. There was nothing I could do. There was nothing I could say. I just wanted to hug you because I knew that someday, I wouldn't be able to anymore. I remember from that day on, I was at your house, by your side during every free moment I had. I wanted to soak up all the time I could with you. I remember asking you a million questions. I remember wanting you to retell stories that I heard a thousand times over. All because I wanted to hear you talk. I wanted to remember what your voice sounded like. I remember specific times during this spring season that I will never ever forget!

I remember you had me shave your stubble in the hospital and when you were home. I like to think it was because you thought I did a good job and not because your eyesight was starting to take a turn for the worse.

I remember when my sister was visiting you and we were both in the room with you. You were cracking jokes left and right making our stomachs hurt with how hard we were laughing. (You were even making jokes at grandma's expense) Grandma heard and didn't find them funny. She threatened to have us leave and you would be all by yourself. You immediately apologized by saying "ohh ok hun, I'll stop, I'm sorry." Then the second she turned to walk out the door, you stuck your tongue out at her. You stubborn viejito!

I remember grandma celebrated her 79th birthday. You said, "She beat me." (Since you were only 5 months younger than her, you knew this would be the year you wouldn't catch up to her.)

I remember sitting by your bed as you talked about how excited you were to see some of your siblings again and especially your dad and mom. You even said that once you reunited with them, you'd have your momma make you some menudo.

I remember once your appetite left, I'd feed you cherios with peaches, strawberries, or cantelope. You'd also like vanilla ice cream with strawberries. If you had a craving for anything, we'd make sure you got it!

I remember one of the things you liked best about Ryan, was that he was interested in hearing your military stories. Whereas your granddaughters weren't really intrigued. There was one night when we were over and you must have told Ryan every story you could remember. He loved them. And I knew you loved telling them. After the stories died down, you looked at grandma and in the most sincere tone said, "I'm really going to miss you Hun."

I remember the night that Ryan asked you for your blessing to marry me. I wasn't in the room when he did but I have him tell me what you said over and over to this day. I, of course knew when he did it because unless I was at work or sleeping I was always there.

I remember we had a BBQ with family from LA and friends of yours from your military days. I came over the second I woke up to help grandma clean and get you fed and cleaned up. I left to get ready at my house and came back as soon as I was done, when I walked out back to give you a kiss, I could tell there was something off. You then said, "Finally! Nice of you to show up!" After I said my hello's I ran to the bathroom to cry because I knew that your health was taking a turn for the worse.

I remember having a hard day at work one day because I couldn't stop thinking about your situation. At this point, you were already sleeping most of the time. When I got off work I headed straight to your house, walked in your room, sat down next to you and just buried my head in your shoulder and cried. 

I remember the phone call I got May 14th at 6:30 that morning. It was from grandma, telling me that you weren't going to live much longer and I needed to come over right then and there. I lived probably 20 minutes away if traffic was good, but on this morning I swear I made it to your house within 5. When I got there my mom and Aunt were there already. My mom had stayed the night with you and grandma just in case you needed anything so she was with you when you passed which I'm grateful for. I remember walking in to the room and just sitting next to you and held your hand. I stayed there what seemed like forever. It wasn't until later that morning when I finally had to let go so other family could say their "goodbyes."

I remember a few days later, I went with grandma, my Aunt and her husband, my Uncle and his wife to the crematory to say our final "goodbyes." That was an experience I will never begin to explain. I've never felt those feelings before in my life. Like a chunk of my soul stayed in that room with you long after I left. When something like that happens, you become selfish, just one more "I love you," just one more kiss, just one more hug, just one more...

That night Ryan wanted to take me out to dinner to try and get my mind off of things. (Bless his heart) You know what the only thing I could think of was? How I would never hear you call me mijita anymore. Broke me to pieces that night. Still does.

Four years is a long long long time. A lot has happened that I wish you could have been here to witness in my life. I got married. I had a son (which I know you would be so happy about) and I'm close to having a daughter. I'm most sad at the fact that Nicolas will never get to know who you were. He'll never know what an amazing man you were aside from what I tell him. I was named after you and I wanted nothing more than to have a son to name after you also. I feel like you blessed me with him because you knew how important it was for me to pass along your name. I see Nicolas smile, I hear his laugh and I watch him grow right before my eyes and it kills me to think you aren't here to take part in that. I know you would adore him just as much as I do.

As crazy as it sounds, I can and cannot wait until we are reunited. I miss you. I love you. And I think for the rest of my life not a day will go by where I don't think of you or mention you.