How the third baby came to be..part 1

If you would have asked me 4 years ago if any more kids were in our future, our answer was a hard no. We had one of each. The best of both worlds and with both of us working we had our hands full. And we were happy. Funny story is I actually mentioned to my OB that I wanted to get my tubes tied. She without hesitation, laughed in my face. She said that for a 26 year old that was a pretty drastic request as my mind might change in the future. My thought was "umm no lady, I have 2 kids already and I really don't want any more." She suggested that Ryan get a vasectomy since that would be the easiest and less invasive route. I talked it over with my husband and let him know that I would never ever ask him to alter his body and that if it was his choice I would fully support him but it was not necessary. He thought it over and finally made an appointment with his doctor for a consultation. After getting all the information he scheduled his procedure appointment for a few weeks from then. During that time the company he was working for sold and the new owners changed policies and did a whole rehiring process of the same employees. (insert eyeroll) So with that Ryan no longer had the same amount of PTO in order to take the days off he needed for the procedure. He cancelled it in the hopes of rescheduling when he was able to take time off work. Well..that never happened. I went back to the Mirena which I had before and we were covered in the no baby department. Fast forward a couple years and I turned 29. I say that because it was the first time in my life where I really thought that my life was changing. Not in a bad way but just realizing that a huge chunk of my life had already been lived. In my 20s I got married and had kids all while still trying to grow up myself. I enjoyed having this life but you do so much growth in your 20s and once you near turning 30 I feel like you are really getting to know who you are as a person. One thing that I absolutely loved in my life was being pregnant and I really started to get emotional at the fact that I would never experience that again. Then I started thinking about how I wouldn't experience the joy of a newborn right after birth. I mean you as the mom have a ton going on within yourself after you give birth but the newborn "high" if you will that you get after having your baby is a real thing! You are just in awe of this new beautiful person you created and are on cloud 9. I would never get that again. I remember thinking when I was pregnant with Raegan, how could my heart grow even more to love another child as much as I did Nicolas. But let me tell you, it does! So I knew that if I were to have another child I was fully capable to feel that same amount of bursting love like I had with the other two. I also thought about how I was older and "wiser" now. I had gone through all the anxiety of being a first time mom and then the comparison mom the second time around and how much energy that took and exhaustion that created. If I were to have another child, my mindset would be totally different. I also looked at the fact that my husband was now in his career and was more financially stable to have already allowed me to go to part time. I was already more available to our kids and the fact that I worked overnight made it easier also. I had more time to be a mom without taking myself away physically for work. So by this time I had already made some good argument points as to why having another baby would work. Now I just needed to do "research" and talk with other moms of 3 to see if I was just thinking realistically or were my head in the clouds. I first spoke to my husband's aunt who at the time just recently had her third baby, he was 6 months at the time so she was perfect to talk to about it first. She confirmed everything. That the third baby was in fact different and easier because it was now second nature to take care of a baby. Another person I talked to was a coworker who's third baby was a toddler, she said the same things. By this point I'm preparing in my head how I'm going to bring up this conversation to my husband since we were both so certain we were done having kids.

Lost

I first want to start this post by saying how incredibly grateful I am for being able to stay home with my children. 8 years ago when I had Nicolas and enjoying my days of maternity leave with him, I kept thinking about how the day would come where I would have to leave him to go back to work and it took every ounce of me not to cry every single day about it. When I returned back to work I remember thinking every day how I could make enough money that my 9-5 did so I could stay home and not miss a single moment with my baby. It just was not feasible at that time in our life. Then I had Raegan and again I couldn't bear the fact of leaving her in the hands of someone else. (Which we were very fortunate to have my Aunt watch both children when I went back to work.) But this time around maternity leave was different after I had my baby. It was no longer easy to just "get up and go" with two under two. For a long time the only place I went anywhere by myself was my mom's house and that was mainly because it was just down the street at the time. We would go for walks to a nearby park but I could feel myself craving and missing something. I joke about how I would literally watch the clock until 5:30 hit because that's when my husband got home and I was able to interact with someone who could reciprocate an intelligent conversation. When the time came for me to go back to work, I felt guilty because I wasn't as sad to go back like I was the first time. I was overwhelmed spending my days in our house while trying to keep up with house chores and keeping babies alive. In a nutshell I was losing my mind. I didn't think that I wanted to be a stay at home mom or that I had the personality or patience for it. That was until they started school. I felt like I was missing so much of this exciting time in our son's life that I so desperately wanted to be apart of. Again, me staying at home or even cutting back my hours wasn't in the cards for us however I was able to change jobs to work overnight so I was available to take my kids to and from school and be there for them to volunteer whenever I felt like it. Then things really changed for us when my husband landed a position in his career to where we were more financially stable for me to go part time and when we decided to grow our family one more time the conversation came up of me staying home after I had the baby. I never in my life thought it would be possible but it just so happened to be in the cards for us at the right time. Fast forward to when I started my leave, it was great. We had just moved into our current home so I had lots to keep me busy while we waited for the arrival of our third baby. We welcomed Rhett into our family and he is such a joy to have around. However, those same feelings I started having after I had Raegan slowly crept back in. The overwhelming feelings of not having enough time in the day to do the dishes, make sure we have food in the house, keep the house somewhat tidy, take the big kids to and from school, help with homework, interact with the dog, shower, eat, look somewhat decent, all while nursing a newborn who just happened to be a little more clingy to me than the other two had been as babies. For a while I was making it work. I was feeling pretty good about everything. Occasionally I would need to take a breather and just have a pep talk about giving myself a little grace. That not everything needs to be perfect 100% of the time. Rhett is now 5 months and lately..lately I've been feeling lost. Lost within myself, lost within my thoughts, lost within my days. It's already hard to find the positives and point out the silver linings in things, but when you feel like you're drowning the only thing you think of is how hard it is to breathe. I've been openly talking about all of my feelings with my husband but that's just it, he can't relate. He can sit there and sympathize with me and tell me that he's here to help me but I listen to what I tell him and when I hear it out loud I think I sound crazy. Everyone says how great it is that I am able to stay home to raise my kids. How it's the most important job a mom can do. How lucky I am to get this opportunity (which I know, believe me, I'm grateful). But what they don't tell you is how lonely it is. How isolating it is. And how not many people will understand because all they see is "you GET to stay home" what more could you ask for? I feel in some way that I'm over reacting and I just need to let it go. But in the heat of my days when I feel like I'm going to suffocate if I spend one more minute cooped up in my house with never ending chores, I know those feelings are real. I need to make time to get out regularly and I need to force myself out of this newfound comfort zone of not wanting to talk to anyone. Not even specifically about how I feel but talking in general. (I'm telling you these feelings are weird) I don't want to feel lonely but yet I don't want to talk to anyone. How much sense does that make? I don't want to stay at home all day, everyday but I have to force myself to leave. I feel like a horrible mom because I need to force myself out of my head in order to interact with my kids and make things fun. We read, play outside, cook, do homework, and other "normal" routine things together no problem but anything else, anything "extra" it requires more energy out of me that I just don't feel I have. I have to break this. I have to figure out a system. I have to get use to a new normal that will help develop a new routine. One thing that I've already been doing is meeting up with other mom friends. That helps so so, so much. Because even though I don't disclose completely all of these feelings I can relate to them and talk about things that we are experiencing together. Another thing that I am planning on doing is going to my local library with Rhett for lap sit story and music time. I know that these things won't immediately eliminate all my lost feelings but I hope it's a start for them to get better. So for any other moms going through this hard season whether working or staying home, you aren't alone. I get it.

Raegan update 5.19.2015

At the end of April we started the IEP process for Raegan. I took her to her first of three separate appointments. This initial meeting was with the school nurse at an elementary school that worked closely with Alta Regional. Upon meeting this lady and discussing birth history and getting all the basic health information on Raegan, she asked if she could be a little "forward" with me and ask me something. I replied with an, "of course." What she proceeded to tell me blew my mind. She was describing to me certain characteristics that Raegan had that I had never paid any attention to or just thought that was part of her chemical make up. She pointed out a number of things and then said that these were all characteristics of Down's Syndrome. It took everything in me not to loose it right at that moment because I wanted to hear out what she had to say. She was gentle in her words and was sensitive with the information. She herself has a Down's syndrome son and knew how rocky this conversation could be. She asked if I was ever genetically tested during pregnancy and I told her I wasn't because my husband and I were prepared to love our child no matter the outcome. She suggested I have Raegan do a simple blood test to rule it out. She was surprised that none of her Drs thought to have this done sooner because it would have certainly explained her delays. 

After the appointment I called our pediatrician in a panic with all the information that was just laid on me, and requested this lab test be ordered. I was taken a back. I couldn't help but cry. Cry, because of the unknown and cry because of the possibility. How could this be? After almost three years of life this was never a thought. How could after a year and a half of therapy this was never even brought up? I was devastated to say the least. Here this whole time I was thinking my child was completely healthy and "normal" (I hate using that word) but that was the thought that entered my mind and didn't leave. And wouldn't leave for the next three weeks.

We had her lab done and I found out from her Drs office that the result could take up to a month to process. That answer wasn't good enough for me so I called the lab myself to confirm. They said it should take about 16 business days. Well just shoot me in the head why don't you. Talk about going crazy! I called our pediatrician's office to check if the result was in about 50 times in these last three weeks. 

During those weeks my husband and I googled everything. I tried to soak up as much information as I possibly could about this diagnosis that I knew nothing about. What really tore me up inside was what her future would hold. If she would ever be able to live on her own. If she would ever want to get married. The fact that she wouldn't be able to bear children. Would she have trouble in any other aspect of her life? Would she understand everyday things? What I learned is that this is such an individual diagnosis. Each person with this is different in how they function, what characteristics the have, and how well they understand simple concepts. The future was simply unknown if this came back positive. I would interact and talk and play with Raegan and think, "No, there is just no way. Absolutely not a possibility." But then I would think, "no, this really could be a possibility." Our minds were cluttered with this constant juggle. 

Today I decided to call her Drs office once again to see if the result was in. The girl I spoke to was the same girl I had bothered so many times before with the same question. She put me on hold and when she returned she informed me that the result was back however her dr had not reviewed it yet and was out of the office until tomorrow. She explained to me that he will sometimes work from home and would get back to me if not tonight then first thing in the morning. The call ended and my whole body was shaking. My heart was beating a mile a minute and I felt as though I was going to be sick. I called back about a half hour later and pleaded to see if his covering dr would read the results and relay them to me. I explained that I have been anxiously waiting and how this would change everything and basically that I needed to know..now. A message was sent in the hopes that someone would call me back with answers. 

An hour later, her Dr himself called me, from home, to relay the news. He was very sweet in his words and understood my urgency. He happily said that her chromosome count came back NORMAL. I burst into tears. I have never in my life sighed a larger breath of relief. A weight had been lifted and I was able to breathe again. Of course if the outcome had been different we would love our daughter no less. We would work out whatever we needed to in order for life to be perfect for her. It was a hard few weeks that put our minds in a puzzle and we are so overjoyed with the clean bill of health that we received today. Our hearts will sleep peaceful tonight. 

Mamamamamama

Just when I started to doubt whether or not therapy was working. Just when I was about to lose all hope that my baby was understanding the help that was being given. Just when I got discouraged..she said it.

 

MAMAMAMAMAMAMA!

 

This last Monday towards the end of her speech therapy, Raegan was starting to get anxious. It was snack time. All she wanted was me. She was no longer interested in Emma, her therapist. It’s almost like she has an internal 50 minute clock. She knows when therapy is done. I was discussing things she had done in the session, things to start doing more of, and our goals with Emma while Raegan was trying to climb all over me. Then it happened. “MAMAMAMA.” Emma went into complete celebrations and my eyes welled with the happiest tears! The therapist explained to me that although this was a HUGE accomplishment I cannot be discouraged if I didn’t hear it again for a while. Just to keep repeating it to her and bring her hand to my mouth so she can grasp the vibration concept. Once she left, Nicolas continued to play in his room and Raegan and I just played in the living room. I was so proud of my baby girl. I kept saying “mama” to her and eventually with no effort at all she said it back! I was quick enough to catch her on video. I sent the video to everyone including her therapist.

 

A few weeks ago when we were on our way to daycare Nicolas kept calling for me. Our conversation went like this..

 

“Mama?”

“Yes baby?”

“Mama?”

“Yes Nicolas”

“Mama?”

“What Nicolas?”

“Mama?” (giggles)

“Ok I’m not going to answer you anymore.”

“Mama-what. Mama-what. Mama-what” (tons more giggles)

 

At that moment I remember thinking, “Oh man, this kid is going to drive me nuts!” Nicolas calls for me a million times a day. Most of the time I answer. Sometimes I know he’s just saying it just to say it. I know that it’s these times that I take for granted. I take for granted that Nicolas can talk so well because I yearn for Raegan to be at his level. You don’t realize how precious someone’s voice is until you aren’t able to hear it. And this is just confirmation that these little beings teach me way more than I will ever teach them.

 

 

Feeling a little discouraged

*I apologize in advance if this post doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. I’m trying not to be emotional but this is just something I have to get off my chest before I burst into tears. I took the morning off because Raegan had her first Occupational Therapy session. I was excited to see what they would recommend we start doing to help her catch up to speed. My husband unfortunately was not able to take the morning off to be there also so I had him take Nicolas to daycare to allow my full attention on the session. It went great. She gave me all kinds of tools to implement on a daily basis. She explained the reasoning for some of the activities and what they would teach her. I felt all sorts of confident with how things went today. Then I got to work and scrolled through social media during my break. I see pictures and videos of kids all throughout my feed and normally I find them sweet and cute. Not today. Today I find myself feeling really jealous. The first was a video of a baby who is waaaaay younger than Raegan and already saying “mama.” The other was a picture of a girl who is right about the same age (give or take a few weeks) who I already know from other posts by her mom that she is really advanced. Why were these babies hitting their milestones and mine isn’t? I just keep thinking, why not Raegan? Why can’t she do that? Why can’t she say that? I’m just feeling a little discouraged right about now. I know that she will reach the goals we have set for her eventually. I have to stay positive. For her. It’s hard, but I have to.

To my father..

I don’t even know how to start this. Do I say ‘Dear Father?’ This isn’t a formal letter just something I believe I need to write you. I have a different type of spiritual belief that by writing this, you’ll somehow read it.Where do I even begin. From the beginning? How I felt when I got the call you died? How I’ve grown as a person not “needing” you? But that’s just it. I did need you. I still do in some form. After I became a mom I didn't  understand your thought process. I can’t understand that knowing you had become a parent to two young children that turn to you for care and guidance, you just leave. I’ve talked with mom about this over and over again throughout the years to try to see your side. I still don’t. What I do understand is that you had a terrible addiction. An addiction that overpowered your life. But instead of wanting to get better for your children you decided to head down a different path. All growing up I missed you. I wanted you to miraculously show up back in my life. It would make me so sad that I couldn’t remember you. My sister would have memories of you, very vague ones but still memories nonetheless. I was jealous. I would ask mom all the time to tell me about you. I would ask her questions like, “If dad were to ever come back and need a place to stay, would you let him stay with us?” Of course her response was always no, and for good reason. I would get so upset with her. I would cry and cry because she didn’t love you anymore. One time I found a letter in my grandma’s room that you had sent to my sister. I was so happy I found it, but upset because my grandma kept it from me. I hurried through the letter anxious to read what you wrote. I was in tears by the time I was finished. There was not a single mention of me at all. The letter was only to my sister. You wrote how one day you and she would be united again. How with your new girlfriend and her daughter and my sister would eventually be a family. I felt forgotten. I put the letter back in the envelope and back on my grandma’s dresser. I went out to her and just cried on her lap for what seemed like hours. I was devastated. My own dad didn’t care to include me. 

Flash back Friday::My brother

Lately I have been thinking about my brother a lot. Thinking, worrying, same thing. We have an 11 year age difference so most of the time when I talk to him or advise him, I feel like I’m talking to him like he’s my kid. I remember the day he was born like it was yesterday! April 6, 1999. My grandparents picked me up from softball practice (I know weird right? It was my first and last season haha) and we went to grab something quick to eat for dinner. While on our way to my house so they could drop me off we noticed parked near my home were two police cars, one fire truck and one ambulance. We were thinking maybe they were there for the elderly lady that lived next door. As we got closer, we saw the first responders going in and out of my house! We were in shock. What was going on?!? When we got inside they had told us that my mom would be rushed to the hospital because she was hemorrhaging. They took her and my grandparents, my sister and myself were right behind them. My mom had already called my step dad so he could leave work and meet us at the hospital. Later that evening, my sister and I gained a little brother. He was the most precious baby I had ever seen. I could have stared at him forever.

Time just goes by way too fast! I miss him at this young/fun stage! 

Fast forward to just a few days ago. My baby brother turned 15!! I can’t believe it! How did that happen? When did that happen? I’m excited/nervous for him to grow up. Soon he’ll be driving. Watch out! He’s already practicing. He’s actually pretty good and I know he’ll be careful. He can’t wait to get a job and start making money, which I’ve already given him good places to apply. He’s really into soccer and hopefully more than he is into girls. He has a group of close friends which I’m glad for however I hope if they ever act like idiots, my brother thinks before he acts stupid right along with them. I always worry about him. Probably more than I should. I guess that’s the mom in me. Hearing all these news stories of a mindless acts that happen to or are caused by teenagers, I just constantly hope he is listening to his conscience and maintaining that good head on his shoulders. 

Such a handsome brother I have! ((He's not allowed to date..EVER!))

He will always be my little brother that towers over me that I love so much! And I hope he knows that I will always be here for him whenever he needs me. But who are we kidding? He’s a teenager who knows it ALL!