Mamamamamama

Just when I started to doubt whether or not therapy was working. Just when I was about to lose all hope that my baby was understanding the help that was being given. Just when I got discouraged..she said it.

 

MAMAMAMAMAMAMA!

 

This last Monday towards the end of her speech therapy, Raegan was starting to get anxious. It was snack time. All she wanted was me. She was no longer interested in Emma, her therapist. It’s almost like she has an internal 50 minute clock. She knows when therapy is done. I was discussing things she had done in the session, things to start doing more of, and our goals with Emma while Raegan was trying to climb all over me. Then it happened. “MAMAMAMA.” Emma went into complete celebrations and my eyes welled with the happiest tears! The therapist explained to me that although this was a HUGE accomplishment I cannot be discouraged if I didn’t hear it again for a while. Just to keep repeating it to her and bring her hand to my mouth so she can grasp the vibration concept. Once she left, Nicolas continued to play in his room and Raegan and I just played in the living room. I was so proud of my baby girl. I kept saying “mama” to her and eventually with no effort at all she said it back! I was quick enough to catch her on video. I sent the video to everyone including her therapist.

 

A few weeks ago when we were on our way to daycare Nicolas kept calling for me. Our conversation went like this..

 

“Mama?”

“Yes baby?”

“Mama?”

“Yes Nicolas”

“Mama?”

“What Nicolas?”

“Mama?” (giggles)

“Ok I’m not going to answer you anymore.”

“Mama-what. Mama-what. Mama-what” (tons more giggles)

 

At that moment I remember thinking, “Oh man, this kid is going to drive me nuts!” Nicolas calls for me a million times a day. Most of the time I answer. Sometimes I know he’s just saying it just to say it. I know that it’s these times that I take for granted. I take for granted that Nicolas can talk so well because I yearn for Raegan to be at his level. You don’t realize how precious someone’s voice is until you aren’t able to hear it. And this is just confirmation that these little beings teach me way more than I will ever teach them.

 

 

Feeling a little discouraged

*I apologize in advance if this post doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. I’m trying not to be emotional but this is just something I have to get off my chest before I burst into tears. I took the morning off because Raegan had her first Occupational Therapy session. I was excited to see what they would recommend we start doing to help her catch up to speed. My husband unfortunately was not able to take the morning off to be there also so I had him take Nicolas to daycare to allow my full attention on the session. It went great. She gave me all kinds of tools to implement on a daily basis. She explained the reasoning for some of the activities and what they would teach her. I felt all sorts of confident with how things went today. Then I got to work and scrolled through social media during my break. I see pictures and videos of kids all throughout my feed and normally I find them sweet and cute. Not today. Today I find myself feeling really jealous. The first was a video of a baby who is waaaaay younger than Raegan and already saying “mama.” The other was a picture of a girl who is right about the same age (give or take a few weeks) who I already know from other posts by her mom that she is really advanced. Why were these babies hitting their milestones and mine isn’t? I just keep thinking, why not Raegan? Why can’t she do that? Why can’t she say that? I’m just feeling a little discouraged right about now. I know that she will reach the goals we have set for her eventually. I have to stay positive. For her. It’s hard, but I have to.

Let's talk babies..

Or lack there of.

 

 

Before my husband and I got married, I laugh now because I was dead set on having lots of kids. Like 4 or 5. Well… that has changed.  Nicolas will be turning 4 in October and Raegan will be 2 the end of May, so although they may forever theoretically be my babies, they are literally no longer babies. Now, because they are not babies any more, I get asked more often than not, “So, are you going to have another?”

 

Since I was 18 I have worked full time. Being a stay at home mom was just something that never even crossed my mind. We had our first son and while I loved being on maternity leave, I eventually had to go back to work for financial reasons. Then I got pregnant with our daughter and again, loved being on maternity leave but when it got closer for me to go back to work, I almost couldn’t wait. Yes I love being around my children, but could I do it full time? Nope, not a chance. I crave adult interaction. I like relating to people. Helping people. I am even looking into going back to school so I can start steering myself into the career of my choice. More on that later. With that being said. I will always work full time. Or close to it. I love the idea of making my own money. And helping contribute financially to our family while doing something that challenges my mind is an added bonus. Now the having more children part. Although I like the newborn smell and nothing beats rocking a swaddled baby to sleep, I just don’t have the time for another one. Could I make time? Sure. But do I want to? Nope. As selfish as you may think that sounds, I just really don’t care. Like I mentioned just a minute ago, I work. I will always work. My week days right now are hectic as it is. In the morning, both my husband and I scramble to get ourselves ready, the kids ready, and make sure we all have packed lunches while getting out the door on time. I drop off the kids then head to work a full day. My husband picks them up and when I get home I barely have enough time to sit down to eat dinner let alone do anything else. Between washing dishes and making dinner, then washing more dishes, then picking up the house, and bath times, then maybe a load of laundry here and there, I just can’t see myself adding another child into the mix. I could probably make it work but then I would be spread even more thin than I already am. I look forward to those evenings where I have time to spare where I can play dolls with Raegan or build Lego sky scrapers with Nicolas. I feel that if we were to add another baby, I wouldn’t get those small windows of time to bond with Nicolas and Raegan. I wouldn’t want to make them ever feel like I didn’t have time for them together or individually.

Another reason is because we are almost, almost, almost in the clear of the no kid zone. What I mean by that is out of all our friends, my husband and I were the first to get married the first to have children. Some of our friends still aren’t married and still don’t have kids. Which is ok. Everyone is on their own time schedule. But when my husband and I look into the future we see that because we are already out of the baby stage we are closer to the enjoying being married without diaper bags and highchairs stage. We are able to leave our children over night at grandma’s so we can go out and enjoy ourselves every so often. Which in turn makes it closer for us to go on vacations just the two of us. If we were to have another, I’d be that attached at the boob mom. I wouldn’t be able to leave the baby for longer than a few hours. And that my friends, does not sound appealing.

 

 

So let me answer that question for you..no, as of this moment in time, we will not be making any more babies. These two keep me busy enough!

 

Appointments on top of appointments and more appointments

So as I stated before, Raegan is a patient of the California Alta Regional center. We had a speech therapist and physical therapist from an outside organization meet with her at our house. They evaluated and worked with her in structured play to see what type of delays she had. About a week later we met with our assigned case worker through Alta Regional and came up with goals we would like for Raegan's progress. About a week after that I got a call from the case worker letting us know due to Raegan's delays, she would be granted one speech therapy session a week, one physical therapy session a week and two occupational therapy sessions a month. Here's the best part..all these therapists want to schedule between the hours of 8:30-4 Monday through Friday. That would work out perfect if I were a stay at home mom or had a job that I could just leisurely take time off here and there. We finally have it somewhat set. Speech therapy is every Monday at 3 and because I'm with a new company I can only take off so much time for these sessions so my husband and I are switching off being present every other Monday. Physical therapy met with us for her initial session on a Thursday after we got home from work because she was a different therapist than the one that came out for her evaluation. We wanted to be able to meet her so that way she could start meeting with Raegan at daycare. Since her 18/20 month well check, our insurance coverage has changed and we made an appointment for Raegan to meet with her new doctor. Yep, another appointment. I went in there prepared. Had every chain of events lined up in my head so I could catch him up to speed. I had copies of her evaluations so he could have them on file for her. I requested right away that she be referred for a hearing test to see if her hearing may be contributing to the fact that she doesn't speak yet, the doctor agreed that was a good idea. He was very attentive and was very reassuring that we were in great hands with Alta. In fact, he said that would have been the first place he would have referred her to if she had been his patient from birth.
Oh did I mention this doctor is the same doctor that my husband saw when he was a child? In fact, this doctor saved my husband's life. But that's a whole different story for a different day.

Also during the appointment the doctor mentioned he would put in another referral for Raegan to see a Pediatric Neurologist. Another appointment. I went to work after we met with her pediatrition and researched the neurology office she would be referred to. I'm waiting at the moment still to be scheduled for her consultation. Now if I can just find the time for all these appointments, I'll be set.

There is nothing wrong, but there is something wrong..

If you take a look at my past posts about our daughter you can clearly read that she was behind in reaching certain milestones. When we took her to her one year well baby visit, she wasn’t walking or talking. We had many concerns but her doctor indicated to us that she would do these things in time. He eased our minds and we just began working with her more than before at home. We would help her pull herself to a stand so she could strengthen her legs. We got her a push toy so we could get her use to walking. We read to her any chance we got. She was making progress but not enough to make our worries go completely away. We took her in to her 18 month well check right around her 20 month mark (procrastinating at best) and after we addressed all our concerns and showed the doctor what she can and cannot do, he decided that she was in fact developmentally delayed. I knew it. My husband knew it. Even before we went in. We just didn’t want to believe it. Your babies are born perfect. And nothing can change your mind that they aren’t. But that’s just it. No one is. We all have our disabilities. It’s whether or not they require attention. Whether or not you choose to get help for them. We decided to do anything and everything the doctor recommended. He handed me a packet to fill out and mail back to their Early Childhood Development Department. That day at work, I read every line of that packet of paperwork. Twice. Then again slowly. I let every word and every question sink deep in my brain so I understood completely what it was saying and asking. I filled it out. I reviewed it. Reviewed it again. I kept thinking for each question..”can she do that?..umm..yea I think so..no, she can’t.” I wanted to badly to believe that she could do everything they were asking. But who would that help if I kept blinding myself of what was really going on? No one. She wouldn't get the help I could clearly see she needed. It was devastating to read that all except a few answers were marked, “not yet.” Can your child do..A,B, and/or C? Not yet. Can he/she do..blank? Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. It broke my heart. Tears welled up in my eyes all that day. There is a problem. Right there in front of me. In black and white. All I wanted to do was hold my sweet daughter and rock her and tell her that everything was going to turn out fine because Mommy and Daddy would do whatever we could to help her. I had posted a photo of Raegan on Facebook that day letting family and friends know of the journey we had ahead of us and my husband’s grandma contacted me to get in touch with her as soon as possible. I called her the second I got off work and she told me she use to sit on the board at California’s Alta Regional Center for Early Childhood Development. She told me that she would contact them and get the ball rolling on evaluating Raegan to see if she was a candidate for this program. When I reviewed the paperwork the doctor gave me, I read that the forms were to have her evaluated in their own developmental program within their own medical foundation. Once they accepted her for treatment they would evaluate her further to see if she was a candidate for Alta Regional. I was torn whether or not I should follow her doctor’s recommended steps or to just jump into having her evaluated with Alta from the pulled strings by my husband’s grandma. After talking everything over with my husband, we decided to just go straight with Alta instead of going through referrals upon referrals just to ultimately get to the same outcome. Raegan was going to get the help she needed if my life depended on it. No matter which way we went, that was the main goal. Within a week and a half my phone was blowing up with therapists calling to schedule her evaluations. I had spoken with her case worker that was assigned to her to help manage Raegan’s treatment plan a few times by then. It seemed like in no time at all we could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

This was the picture I posted on Facebook originally and I got an overwhelming amount of support from all our family and friends.

I can't get enough of them..(period)

I drew these shape friends for Nicolas and you would think I just did backflips or something because he thought it was so cool! Ha! I'm glad he's easy to please.

I just recently put the majority of Raegan's toys in her room because honestly, my house looks like a disaster with toys everywhere and I needed to regain some adult space. Anyway, she loves playing in her room because there are no big brothers stealing toys from her. She's so peaceful and happy playing quietly by herself. So sweet!

I die! She is too precious for her own good! I could just eat her up! Those thighs!!! Ahhh! I never want her to get bigger.

I'm raising a hillbilly. Or a boy. Or both. He's just too much! All boy, that's for sure!

You better believe little miss ate this all up! She is quite the chunker these days! She especially loved the raspberries!

He was pretty proud of this new move. "Hey momma, whatchu doing? Take a picture! CHEEEESE!" Haha! Silly goose!

when you notice they aren't babies anymore

Every mom has experienced this. And I did with both my children just a few days ago. In the midst of taking a million pictures of them, you look back and BAM! There is the picture that changes the game. The one that makes you tear up instantly. Not because it didn't come out the way you wanted it to. But because it's a glimmer of what your precious pea will look like as a teenager! It's true that they grow so fast and when you see them everyday you don't necessarily notice how much in such a short amount of time. So without further ado...

Nicolas,
Really???? This day when we got home from work and daycare, I let you check the mail because your daddy wasn't home yet so I knew it was still in there. It was all junk obviously and I let you carry it up to the door while I got your sister out. You plopped yourself down on the door step and starting what looked like reading the ads. It was absolutely an adorable sight so naturally I snapped a few pictures. Then once we got inside the house I looked back at the pictures and there was this one. My eyes instantly welled up. When did you get so big? You have such a smoldering handsome look about you in this shot and it took my breath away. I could see you as a 17 year old boy. I could see you all grown up. Why are you in such a hurry to get there? Don't you know I'm not ready for that yet? You've hit the stage where your looks are permanent. When you're grown, we can look back at this picture and I'm certain you will look exactly the same. One more thing, please slow down.

Raegan,
Look at you pretty girl! This picture was taken because you just looked absolutely adorable in this jumper that I had to send a picture to your Aunt Devan. Her text back to me was exactly what I was thinking, that you looked so big here. Anyone that knows you knows how petite you are but for some reason you just look so grown here. Maybe it's the angle from which it's taken, but whatever the reason I don't like it. You're taking a liking to your brother's pace and if you're not aware, I don't approve. Your smile cracks me up in this picture because you look like you are so proud of your standing accomplishment, of which you should be. But again, I can see a glimmer of the teenage you. There's only one thing I'm sure of, you will only get more beautiful. I'll end same as I did for your brother, please slow down.

Raegan..lately

Since my last update (aside from her birthday post) on little miss a lot has happened. When she had her one year check up I had a million questions. Once you have two children it's inevitable to compare the two. From looks to milestones to personality. I kick myself for doing so because what I failed to realize was that Raegan is her own person.

I was starting to get worried because by the time she neared her 12th month, she wasn't pulling herself up to a stand and really had no desire to stand even with her hands held then when she did stand she would only put her weight on her toes. She was crawling but army style and would only get on her hands and knees to rock back and forth. I had tried to feed her the baby food that had chunks of meat or noodle so she could get use to eating normal food, that was not happening, she would gag and would turn her head away crying. This definitely broke my heart. Not because I was eager for her to grow and do all these things but because I feared something was wrong. So then we met with her dr.

I love him, by the way. He always makes me feel at ease when I'm unsure. I feel like motherhood came naturally to me but there are times when I'm not certain of what to do or if everything is ok.

Anyway, I had asked him about her not-yet-reached milestones and he assured me that she would do those things on her own time schedule and that I should stop comparing her with her brother.

He was right. Now at 14 months she is crawling like a mad woman, feeding herself finger foods, pulling herself up to a stand and even walking while holding onto furniture. I am so excited for her! She is still a baby by all means. She weighed 17 pounds at her one year dr.'s visit and even still she doesn't feel any heavier. A petite little princess I have.

She loves playing with her toys, with her brother's toys, with the dvds, with kitchen goodies, with the diaper caddy, with the dog bowls, with mom and dad's phones. She hardly ever cries (nothing new) but when she does oh man! is it the end of the world! Mostly, she whines, usually when she's hungry. She loves to squeal and clap her hands. She doesn't really sound like she's making any advances in talking but that's ok because she will soon enough. One of my favorite things she does is give hugs. I'm talking the best hugs! I will pick her up as soon as I walk in the door and she wraps her little chunky arms around my neck and all becomes right in the world!

This little girl is amazing! I can't wait to see what else she learns and discovers she can do.

12 months..better late than never

Yes, Raegan's 12 month mark has come and gone and I am just barely getting around to documenting it.

There will be three parts to her 12 month milestone. Photo shoot. What we did on her actual birthday. And her party.

Her photo shoot..

 

Her actual birthday...

Her birthday landed on a weekday so we decided that because we were going to have a party for her, on her actual day we would keep it very low key. We took her out to ice cream. Just us. We knew it would be a quick trip considering bed time wasn't too far along with their attention spans.

Now of course princess didn't get her own so Ryan and I got scoops and we just all shared.

I'd say she liked it!

 

Her actual party: that took place probably a month after her actual birthday..oops!

::BEWARE OF THE PICTURE OVERLOAD::

 

 

 We all decided to help with blowing out the candle.

 Of course Nicolas wanted his own candle to blow out..we played along.

 Believe it or not but this girl devoured her entire cupcake! She is definitely momma's girl!

After this was taken, into the bath she went!

 One of her most precious gifts: my grandma made her a quilt. She now has two. I'm jealous!

 Another one of her gifts was a toy vanity. Super cute. And I think the boys were more interested in it than she was. HA!

 This was the best family picture we could get and if you know my son, you know that I'm telling the truth! I kid you not, we took maybe ten, and this was the best, what does that tell you? Haha!

 

So there in a nutshell, is how we celebrated Raegan turning 1. We love this little girl more than she will ever know! She really does light up a room and we are so happy to have her as a part of our family.

 

11 months

My sweet baby girl at 11 months.

You are always full of smiles and giggles ready to give them out to whomever will accept them.

Not  much changed for you this month. Your stats pretty much stayed the same. You wore clothing from 6mo - 12mo in size. (In fact the onsie you were wearing for your shoot was 3 months! I wasn't totally surprised it fit you still because my dear, you are a teeny tiny thing.)

Your eating habits didn't change either. Like I said, this month there wasn't much to recap on. You became a little bit more mobile with your army crawling. Towards the end of the month, you were getting up on your hands and knees but staying stationary.

If anything, you got more social, more vocal, more happy, more loveable, and more beautiful! Thank you for being the perfect, sweet little angel you are!

We love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, forever and ever!

Our Easter

Our Easter celebration was wonderful. The day prior the weather was rainy and gloomy so I was a bit nervous that we would have to have an indoor egg hunt but thankfully the weather let up and it was beautiful outside. In the morning we got the kiddos ready and we headed out for church. We decided to try and make it to the 8am Mass and with two kids we now know that that is pretty much impossible for us, we showed up around 8:20ish. Not too bad. We really haven’t taken the kids with us to Mass lately only because there is no children’s center for them to go to and no cry room for us to sit in. Luckily we had only one meltdown from Nicolas but that we were happy with that. He was an angel aside from that little episode. I do have to say that I wanted to gobble up my children because they looked so adorable.

 

On the way home we told Nicolas the Easter bunny came to our house while we were at church, so when we got home I ran inside to set out their Easter baskets so they would be the first thing Nicolas would see. Sure enough he ran right to his and he kept saying, “WOW momma, look at that!” Priceless!

 

He really liked his new Jake toothbrush!

Of course with Raegan she didn’t know what the heck was going on but I got pictures of her with her basket just for memories.

 

 

My mother-in-law cooked everything for our lunch/dinner and I was so thankful to be able to relax and play with the kids.

 

 

After we were done devouring our delicious meal, Ryan and I went and hid eggs in our backyard and by hid I mean we just scattered most of them in our outrageously long grass so they were hidden without much effort. Others we did have a little fun with, like putting them in his Tonka trucks and in the grape vines along the side fence.

 

 

 

 

We even had Raegan find a few…

 

 

 

 

 

Having children around the holiday’s is always much more fun as the years go by.

 

Nicolas was really excited to find out what was in his plastic eggs.
Goldfish, stickers, change, and fruit snacks.