Lost

I first want to start this post by saying how incredibly grateful I am for being able to stay home with my children. 8 years ago when I had Nicolas and enjoying my days of maternity leave with him, I kept thinking about how the day would come where I would have to leave him to go back to work and it took every ounce of me not to cry every single day about it. When I returned back to work I remember thinking every day how I could make enough money that my 9-5 did so I could stay home and not miss a single moment with my baby. It just was not feasible at that time in our life. Then I had Raegan and again I couldn't bear the fact of leaving her in the hands of someone else. (Which we were very fortunate to have my Aunt watch both children when I went back to work.) But this time around maternity leave was different after I had my baby. It was no longer easy to just "get up and go" with two under two. For a long time the only place I went anywhere by myself was my mom's house and that was mainly because it was just down the street at the time. We would go for walks to a nearby park but I could feel myself craving and missing something. I joke about how I would literally watch the clock until 5:30 hit because that's when my husband got home and I was able to interact with someone who could reciprocate an intelligent conversation. When the time came for me to go back to work, I felt guilty because I wasn't as sad to go back like I was the first time. I was overwhelmed spending my days in our house while trying to keep up with house chores and keeping babies alive. In a nutshell I was losing my mind. I didn't think that I wanted to be a stay at home mom or that I had the personality or patience for it. That was until they started school. I felt like I was missing so much of this exciting time in our son's life that I so desperately wanted to be apart of. Again, me staying at home or even cutting back my hours wasn't in the cards for us however I was able to change jobs to work overnight so I was available to take my kids to and from school and be there for them to volunteer whenever I felt like it. Then things really changed for us when my husband landed a position in his career to where we were more financially stable for me to go part time and when we decided to grow our family one more time the conversation came up of me staying home after I had the baby. I never in my life thought it would be possible but it just so happened to be in the cards for us at the right time. Fast forward to when I started my leave, it was great. We had just moved into our current home so I had lots to keep me busy while we waited for the arrival of our third baby. We welcomed Rhett into our family and he is such a joy to have around. However, those same feelings I started having after I had Raegan slowly crept back in. The overwhelming feelings of not having enough time in the day to do the dishes, make sure we have food in the house, keep the house somewhat tidy, take the big kids to and from school, help with homework, interact with the dog, shower, eat, look somewhat decent, all while nursing a newborn who just happened to be a little more clingy to me than the other two had been as babies. For a while I was making it work. I was feeling pretty good about everything. Occasionally I would need to take a breather and just have a pep talk about giving myself a little grace. That not everything needs to be perfect 100% of the time. Rhett is now 5 months and lately..lately I've been feeling lost. Lost within myself, lost within my thoughts, lost within my days. It's already hard to find the positives and point out the silver linings in things, but when you feel like you're drowning the only thing you think of is how hard it is to breathe. I've been openly talking about all of my feelings with my husband but that's just it, he can't relate. He can sit there and sympathize with me and tell me that he's here to help me but I listen to what I tell him and when I hear it out loud I think I sound crazy. Everyone says how great it is that I am able to stay home to raise my kids. How it's the most important job a mom can do. How lucky I am to get this opportunity (which I know, believe me, I'm grateful). But what they don't tell you is how lonely it is. How isolating it is. And how not many people will understand because all they see is "you GET to stay home" what more could you ask for? I feel in some way that I'm over reacting and I just need to let it go. But in the heat of my days when I feel like I'm going to suffocate if I spend one more minute cooped up in my house with never ending chores, I know those feelings are real. I need to make time to get out regularly and I need to force myself out of this newfound comfort zone of not wanting to talk to anyone. Not even specifically about how I feel but talking in general. (I'm telling you these feelings are weird) I don't want to feel lonely but yet I don't want to talk to anyone. How much sense does that make? I don't want to stay at home all day, everyday but I have to force myself to leave. I feel like a horrible mom because I need to force myself out of my head in order to interact with my kids and make things fun. We read, play outside, cook, do homework, and other "normal" routine things together no problem but anything else, anything "extra" it requires more energy out of me that I just don't feel I have. I have to break this. I have to figure out a system. I have to get use to a new normal that will help develop a new routine. One thing that I've already been doing is meeting up with other mom friends. That helps so so, so much. Because even though I don't disclose completely all of these feelings I can relate to them and talk about things that we are experiencing together. Another thing that I am planning on doing is going to my local library with Rhett for lap sit story and music time. I know that these things won't immediately eliminate all my lost feelings but I hope it's a start for them to get better. So for any other moms going through this hard season whether working or staying home, you aren't alone. I get it.