Mamamamamama

Just when I started to doubt whether or not therapy was working. Just when I was about to lose all hope that my baby was understanding the help that was being given. Just when I got discouraged..she said it.

 

MAMAMAMAMAMAMA!

 

This last Monday towards the end of her speech therapy, Raegan was starting to get anxious. It was snack time. All she wanted was me. She was no longer interested in Emma, her therapist. It’s almost like she has an internal 50 minute clock. She knows when therapy is done. I was discussing things she had done in the session, things to start doing more of, and our goals with Emma while Raegan was trying to climb all over me. Then it happened. “MAMAMAMA.” Emma went into complete celebrations and my eyes welled with the happiest tears! The therapist explained to me that although this was a HUGE accomplishment I cannot be discouraged if I didn’t hear it again for a while. Just to keep repeating it to her and bring her hand to my mouth so she can grasp the vibration concept. Once she left, Nicolas continued to play in his room and Raegan and I just played in the living room. I was so proud of my baby girl. I kept saying “mama” to her and eventually with no effort at all she said it back! I was quick enough to catch her on video. I sent the video to everyone including her therapist.

 

A few weeks ago when we were on our way to daycare Nicolas kept calling for me. Our conversation went like this..

 

“Mama?”

“Yes baby?”

“Mama?”

“Yes Nicolas”

“Mama?”

“What Nicolas?”

“Mama?” (giggles)

“Ok I’m not going to answer you anymore.”

“Mama-what. Mama-what. Mama-what” (tons more giggles)

 

At that moment I remember thinking, “Oh man, this kid is going to drive me nuts!” Nicolas calls for me a million times a day. Most of the time I answer. Sometimes I know he’s just saying it just to say it. I know that it’s these times that I take for granted. I take for granted that Nicolas can talk so well because I yearn for Raegan to be at his level. You don’t realize how precious someone’s voice is until you aren’t able to hear it. And this is just confirmation that these little beings teach me way more than I will ever teach them.

 

 

Feeling a little discouraged

*I apologize in advance if this post doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. I’m trying not to be emotional but this is just something I have to get off my chest before I burst into tears. I took the morning off because Raegan had her first Occupational Therapy session. I was excited to see what they would recommend we start doing to help her catch up to speed. My husband unfortunately was not able to take the morning off to be there also so I had him take Nicolas to daycare to allow my full attention on the session. It went great. She gave me all kinds of tools to implement on a daily basis. She explained the reasoning for some of the activities and what they would teach her. I felt all sorts of confident with how things went today. Then I got to work and scrolled through social media during my break. I see pictures and videos of kids all throughout my feed and normally I find them sweet and cute. Not today. Today I find myself feeling really jealous. The first was a video of a baby who is waaaaay younger than Raegan and already saying “mama.” The other was a picture of a girl who is right about the same age (give or take a few weeks) who I already know from other posts by her mom that she is really advanced. Why were these babies hitting their milestones and mine isn’t? I just keep thinking, why not Raegan? Why can’t she do that? Why can’t she say that? I’m just feeling a little discouraged right about now. I know that she will reach the goals we have set for her eventually. I have to stay positive. For her. It’s hard, but I have to.

Let's talk babies..

Or lack there of.

 

 

Before my husband and I got married, I laugh now because I was dead set on having lots of kids. Like 4 or 5. Well… that has changed.  Nicolas will be turning 4 in October and Raegan will be 2 the end of May, so although they may forever theoretically be my babies, they are literally no longer babies. Now, because they are not babies any more, I get asked more often than not, “So, are you going to have another?”

 

Since I was 18 I have worked full time. Being a stay at home mom was just something that never even crossed my mind. We had our first son and while I loved being on maternity leave, I eventually had to go back to work for financial reasons. Then I got pregnant with our daughter and again, loved being on maternity leave but when it got closer for me to go back to work, I almost couldn’t wait. Yes I love being around my children, but could I do it full time? Nope, not a chance. I crave adult interaction. I like relating to people. Helping people. I am even looking into going back to school so I can start steering myself into the career of my choice. More on that later. With that being said. I will always work full time. Or close to it. I love the idea of making my own money. And helping contribute financially to our family while doing something that challenges my mind is an added bonus. Now the having more children part. Although I like the newborn smell and nothing beats rocking a swaddled baby to sleep, I just don’t have the time for another one. Could I make time? Sure. But do I want to? Nope. As selfish as you may think that sounds, I just really don’t care. Like I mentioned just a minute ago, I work. I will always work. My week days right now are hectic as it is. In the morning, both my husband and I scramble to get ourselves ready, the kids ready, and make sure we all have packed lunches while getting out the door on time. I drop off the kids then head to work a full day. My husband picks them up and when I get home I barely have enough time to sit down to eat dinner let alone do anything else. Between washing dishes and making dinner, then washing more dishes, then picking up the house, and bath times, then maybe a load of laundry here and there, I just can’t see myself adding another child into the mix. I could probably make it work but then I would be spread even more thin than I already am. I look forward to those evenings where I have time to spare where I can play dolls with Raegan or build Lego sky scrapers with Nicolas. I feel that if we were to add another baby, I wouldn’t get those small windows of time to bond with Nicolas and Raegan. I wouldn’t want to make them ever feel like I didn’t have time for them together or individually.

Another reason is because we are almost, almost, almost in the clear of the no kid zone. What I mean by that is out of all our friends, my husband and I were the first to get married the first to have children. Some of our friends still aren’t married and still don’t have kids. Which is ok. Everyone is on their own time schedule. But when my husband and I look into the future we see that because we are already out of the baby stage we are closer to the enjoying being married without diaper bags and highchairs stage. We are able to leave our children over night at grandma’s so we can go out and enjoy ourselves every so often. Which in turn makes it closer for us to go on vacations just the two of us. If we were to have another, I’d be that attached at the boob mom. I wouldn’t be able to leave the baby for longer than a few hours. And that my friends, does not sound appealing.

 

 

So let me answer that question for you..no, as of this moment in time, we will not be making any more babies. These two keep me busy enough!

 

There is nothing wrong, but there is something wrong..

If you take a look at my past posts about our daughter you can clearly read that she was behind in reaching certain milestones. When we took her to her one year well baby visit, she wasn’t walking or talking. We had many concerns but her doctor indicated to us that she would do these things in time. He eased our minds and we just began working with her more than before at home. We would help her pull herself to a stand so she could strengthen her legs. We got her a push toy so we could get her use to walking. We read to her any chance we got. She was making progress but not enough to make our worries go completely away. We took her in to her 18 month well check right around her 20 month mark (procrastinating at best) and after we addressed all our concerns and showed the doctor what she can and cannot do, he decided that she was in fact developmentally delayed. I knew it. My husband knew it. Even before we went in. We just didn’t want to believe it. Your babies are born perfect. And nothing can change your mind that they aren’t. But that’s just it. No one is. We all have our disabilities. It’s whether or not they require attention. Whether or not you choose to get help for them. We decided to do anything and everything the doctor recommended. He handed me a packet to fill out and mail back to their Early Childhood Development Department. That day at work, I read every line of that packet of paperwork. Twice. Then again slowly. I let every word and every question sink deep in my brain so I understood completely what it was saying and asking. I filled it out. I reviewed it. Reviewed it again. I kept thinking for each question..”can she do that?..umm..yea I think so..no, she can’t.” I wanted to badly to believe that she could do everything they were asking. But who would that help if I kept blinding myself of what was really going on? No one. She wouldn't get the help I could clearly see she needed. It was devastating to read that all except a few answers were marked, “not yet.” Can your child do..A,B, and/or C? Not yet. Can he/she do..blank? Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. It broke my heart. Tears welled up in my eyes all that day. There is a problem. Right there in front of me. In black and white. All I wanted to do was hold my sweet daughter and rock her and tell her that everything was going to turn out fine because Mommy and Daddy would do whatever we could to help her. I had posted a photo of Raegan on Facebook that day letting family and friends know of the journey we had ahead of us and my husband’s grandma contacted me to get in touch with her as soon as possible. I called her the second I got off work and she told me she use to sit on the board at California’s Alta Regional Center for Early Childhood Development. She told me that she would contact them and get the ball rolling on evaluating Raegan to see if she was a candidate for this program. When I reviewed the paperwork the doctor gave me, I read that the forms were to have her evaluated in their own developmental program within their own medical foundation. Once they accepted her for treatment they would evaluate her further to see if she was a candidate for Alta Regional. I was torn whether or not I should follow her doctor’s recommended steps or to just jump into having her evaluated with Alta from the pulled strings by my husband’s grandma. After talking everything over with my husband, we decided to just go straight with Alta instead of going through referrals upon referrals just to ultimately get to the same outcome. Raegan was going to get the help she needed if my life depended on it. No matter which way we went, that was the main goal. Within a week and a half my phone was blowing up with therapists calling to schedule her evaluations. I had spoken with her case worker that was assigned to her to help manage Raegan’s treatment plan a few times by then. It seemed like in no time at all we could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

This was the picture I posted on Facebook originally and I got an overwhelming amount of support from all our family and friends.

I can't get enough of them..(period)

I drew these shape friends for Nicolas and you would think I just did backflips or something because he thought it was so cool! Ha! I'm glad he's easy to please.

I just recently put the majority of Raegan's toys in her room because honestly, my house looks like a disaster with toys everywhere and I needed to regain some adult space. Anyway, she loves playing in her room because there are no big brothers stealing toys from her. She's so peaceful and happy playing quietly by herself. So sweet!

I die! She is too precious for her own good! I could just eat her up! Those thighs!!! Ahhh! I never want her to get bigger.

I'm raising a hillbilly. Or a boy. Or both. He's just too much! All boy, that's for sure!

You better believe little miss ate this all up! She is quite the chunker these days! She especially loved the raspberries!

He was pretty proud of this new move. "Hey momma, whatchu doing? Take a picture! CHEEEESE!" Haha! Silly goose!

when you notice they aren't babies anymore

Every mom has experienced this. And I did with both my children just a few days ago. In the midst of taking a million pictures of them, you look back and BAM! There is the picture that changes the game. The one that makes you tear up instantly. Not because it didn't come out the way you wanted it to. But because it's a glimmer of what your precious pea will look like as a teenager! It's true that they grow so fast and when you see them everyday you don't necessarily notice how much in such a short amount of time. So without further ado...

Nicolas,
Really???? This day when we got home from work and daycare, I let you check the mail because your daddy wasn't home yet so I knew it was still in there. It was all junk obviously and I let you carry it up to the door while I got your sister out. You plopped yourself down on the door step and starting what looked like reading the ads. It was absolutely an adorable sight so naturally I snapped a few pictures. Then once we got inside the house I looked back at the pictures and there was this one. My eyes instantly welled up. When did you get so big? You have such a smoldering handsome look about you in this shot and it took my breath away. I could see you as a 17 year old boy. I could see you all grown up. Why are you in such a hurry to get there? Don't you know I'm not ready for that yet? You've hit the stage where your looks are permanent. When you're grown, we can look back at this picture and I'm certain you will look exactly the same. One more thing, please slow down.

Raegan,
Look at you pretty girl! This picture was taken because you just looked absolutely adorable in this jumper that I had to send a picture to your Aunt Devan. Her text back to me was exactly what I was thinking, that you looked so big here. Anyone that knows you knows how petite you are but for some reason you just look so grown here. Maybe it's the angle from which it's taken, but whatever the reason I don't like it. You're taking a liking to your brother's pace and if you're not aware, I don't approve. Your smile cracks me up in this picture because you look like you are so proud of your standing accomplishment, of which you should be. But again, I can see a glimmer of the teenage you. There's only one thing I'm sure of, you will only get more beautiful. I'll end same as I did for your brother, please slow down.

11 months

My sweet baby girl at 11 months.

You are always full of smiles and giggles ready to give them out to whomever will accept them.

Not  much changed for you this month. Your stats pretty much stayed the same. You wore clothing from 6mo - 12mo in size. (In fact the onsie you were wearing for your shoot was 3 months! I wasn't totally surprised it fit you still because my dear, you are a teeny tiny thing.)

Your eating habits didn't change either. Like I said, this month there wasn't much to recap on. You became a little bit more mobile with your army crawling. Towards the end of the month, you were getting up on your hands and knees but staying stationary.

If anything, you got more social, more vocal, more happy, more loveable, and more beautiful! Thank you for being the perfect, sweet little angel you are!

We love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, forever and ever!

Our living room, before and after

Every night after we put the kids to bed, our living room looks like a tornado hit it!

I don't mind it at all because I know the kids have fun. However I need the house to return to normalcy before I lay my head to rest. Call me OCD. Or neurotic, like my husband. Whatever! I like clean. Of course after the kids go to sleep.

Ahhhhh! That's better! It's funny to know that these tiny little critters can do so much damage. Luckily mom-to-the-rescue to clean up and make living rooms clean again! HA!

Weekend fun fun fun

Friday Night

I built Nicolas a fort in our living room. He hung out with daddy for a bit.

We let him eat dinner in there. And he watched his nighttime cartoons in there also.

 

Saturday

We ended up just staying at home and having a super lazy day.

We have not had one of those in a loooong time.

We set up a redneck water table for Nicolas to play with.

Eventually there was a bigger plastic bin used for the water that allowed Nicolas

to get completely soaked!

He had fun and that's all that mattered!

 

Nala must have been worn out because in the early evening she started to fall asleep,

on my lap, while sitting up.

Crazy dog.

She was my first "baby" and I get reminded of that from time to time.

This was one of those times because she looked so sweet just to rest her head for a minute on me.

 

 I die at Raegan's new face!

She is starting to get so chunky I can't take all the cuteness!

Don't you just want to bite these cheeks?!

 

Sunday

Ryan was playing in a softball tournament with his cousins and uncle.  So we spent part of the day watching the game and then hanging out at the park. I love family days like these!

 

 

I never get tired of these father daughter pictures..never

Nicolas-"Tickle tickle!" Ryan's face is priceless!

[left to right] cousin Malia, Uncle Randy, cousin Mike, and that handsome mountain man is, yes, my husband!

little dare devil!

 

 

Hope everyone had a great weekend!



My son is a reflection of myself...

..and that's not always a good thing.

There is a time in your life when you look at your children or child and realize they've adopted habits and traits from you. This could be a good thing or a not so good thing.

Just like momma, Nicolas gets excited about food. We love to eat, this boy and I. Especially some really tasty food.  We also share a nasty sweet tooth. I give in to mine but I am the keeper of his. (Pro to being the mom)

He's moody. Really moody. One minute he could be playing as happy as a clam and then if something doesn't go his way. It's a BEWARE type situation. I don't know why I added this to my list because that is nothing like me. Can you hint my sarcasm? Yes, it's true, I'm also like this. I'm a brat. Not all the time though.

Nicolas doesn't like his hands dirty. He could have just got done eating or in the midst of playing in dirt and he will whine to me "diiiiiirrrrrty hannndddsss!" That's my cue to wipe them clean or go help him wash them. While cooking dinner or cleaning or on a Tuesday, I wash my hands like a freak of nature. Literally a dozen times.

I'm stubborn and so is my son. If I don't want to do something, I won't. Either that, or it will be a really long drawn out process. My son is the same. I'll tell him to do something like pick up his trash and throw it away or to close the door, and if it wasn't originally on his agenda he will wait until I'm so frustrated from repeating it so many times. I swear there is no question that he is my child.

He likes to eat everyone else's food and doesn't really like to share. (confession: I loathe sharing my food! With anyone. Including my kid! I'm sorry, no I'm really not actually. In cases for my child or husband, I make you a plate for a reason. In cases of ordering out, you had the chance to order whatever you wanted and you decided on whatever you did, don't expect me to share what I ordered for MYSELF! end rant) In point, I can't really be upset about this because I understand.

Nicolas is such an early riser. He is awake no later than 8. And on weekdays he sometimes surprises me by already being awake once I get up. (Mind you I wake up at 5am) Not sure if this is a good thing.

Speaking of mornings, he's like me in the sense that when I've woken up visually it doesn't always mean that we've woken up mentally so please refrain from joking, touching, any and all communication pretty much. Let us wake up slowly. Let us just get ready and charge up our brains. We thank you in advance.

Also like mom, he can function pretty well on little hours of sleep. Sometimes I think if he goes to bed later than usual, he'll sleep in. And nope, why would that idea ever come to mind because it will be one of those mornings where he's raring to go before my mind even fathoms waking up. Mind you he's yelling at me to get my ass up! During the week I try to go to bed early because I know I'm going to be tired in the morning but do I ever? Nope sure don't. I usually go to sleep around 11 and wake at or around 5. Most days I have coffee to help me function but on days I don't drink my power juice I manage pretty well.

Between the two of us we are so emotional. Lately I've noticed he's taken after me in this aspect because if he's watching one of his shows and a character gets sad or upset in any way he looks like he's going to cry and sometimes does. I have to calm him down by holding him and explaining to him how the other characters in the show will make said character happy again. For me, I could cry during a commercial if it tugs at certain heartstrings. I'm a baby. Always have been. Probably always will be.

And the best one of all. He loves books. Just like I do. We could sit there and read forever if time allowed. I love reading to him just as much as he loves hearing me read. We both get really excited for new books and I'll usually give him a few options as to which one he can get and I find it super cute that he has a hard time making up his mind.

I love this boy more than he'll ever know no matter if he did inherit some good and some not so good traits from his momma.

The day we took a park break

During our move there was a day where I was overwhelmed with guilt. Guilt at the fact that we (me and the kids) hadn't been anywhere for two days. I was busy packing and felt like everything needed to be done right then and there. What else is new? Then all at once I realized that all this packing I was doing was probably not very fun for Nicolas. Of course I would take breaks here and there to play and tickle and smother with kisses but we needed a break. And what better break to take then at the park. And you know what? That's EXACTLY what we both needed!

I planned the trip around Raegan's nap time so it was just my boy and me. I felt that a mommy/son day date was in order.

There was a lot of smiles. There was a lot of running. There was a lot of playing in the mud. There was a lot of chasing mom with muddy hands.

All the smiles and belly laughs that we had that day proves this day was a success!

Currently..

currently...
This month has been extra crazy and busy. After celebrating Christmas our house became a packing frenzy! We were scheduled to move the first weekend of January. We were really excited but we weren't expecting to be so drained afterward. We rang in the new year one last time in our old home and that following Saturday we gathered all our boxes and furniture and made the transition to our Znew place.
 
Ok so I'm going to try to keep this pretty short because frankly I'm exhausted and have been for a few weeks now.
 
We moved. We started to unpack. Continued to unpack. Are still unpacking. And with a full time job and two kids and adding in Zumba here and there, getting this house in complete running order just seems impossible!
 
For about 3 weeks we were cable and internet-less. At first I didn't mind because I was busy organizing and what not. But then after a while I missed my shows and my social media (aside from what I could pull up on my phone.)
 
The 3rd week of January my husband went away on a work trip for four days. I hated every minute of it! It seemed like I was barely able to talk with him because he worked 12 hour days and was exhausted by the time I got off work and settled at home. So in other words I was counting down the seconds to when I could pick him up from the airport. Not to mention his birthday passed while he was away. So that wasn't fair.

Now we have almost everything settled in. However, getting our routine back to normal has been somewhat of a challenge.

There have been lots of lazy movie days prior to getting our cable in order. I must admit if I never see Toy Story 3 or Cars ever again I wouldn't mind. So I'll leave this picture of my adorable critters that have made this hectic move and settle a little easier..

7 months!

Hello baby girl! You turned 7 months old yesterday. Yes you read correctly, 7 months! I say this every month, but it sure has flown by. You have grown so much in these last 7 months. There is not a day that goes by that I am so grateful you came into our family! You are such a blessing. We love you more than you will ever know.  Your smile is heartwarming and your giggle is contagious. I am having a blast watching you grow and am so excited for your new adventures. Thank you for teaching me all that you have already. You definitely bring an element of happiness to our family more so than we already had. I cannot and do not want to imagine what life would be like without you. You are such a good baby that half the time I worry about you because you are literally so quiet unless someone is making you laugh. You have no trouble sleeping, eating, playing, being pretty much perfect. We love you more and more each day. With every day that passes you become more and more beautiful. How that's possible I'm not sure but you definitely achieve it.

Love you more than words Raegan Marie!

A few things from this month...

 Lately you have become more aware of your brother. You smile and giggle whenever he pays attention to you.

I can't wait for you two to become best friends! You're still not very independent yet. Which is ok. We still cradle you to feed you bottles.

When will your hair fill in girlfriend?

And the only time you sit up "on your own" is next to either of us.

I always joke that you're lazy but I think you're just a princess. I've also started you on solids. Peas only for now. And you love them!

This last month you celebrated your first Christmas. (My personal favorite holiday) And with all your holiday outfits, it made this Christmas extra spectacular!

Your dress for Pre Christmas breakfast

Your outfit for Christmas Eve

And your and your brother's Christmas pjs

With every month that passes you grow to love your baths more and more. They have become more fun if I do say so myself. With the little hair you do have, I like to play with it.



This month also, the weather has been getting colder. It's been fun getting you all bundled up in your winter gear. You are just too cute for words!

This gingerbread outfit is just adorable!

I honestly wish they made this in my size!