How the third baby came to be..part 1

If you would have asked me 4 years ago if any more kids were in our future, our answer was a hard no. We had one of each. The best of both worlds and with both of us working we had our hands full. And we were happy. Funny story is I actually mentioned to my OB that I wanted to get my tubes tied. She without hesitation, laughed in my face. She said that for a 26 year old that was a pretty drastic request as my mind might change in the future. My thought was "umm no lady, I have 2 kids already and I really don't want any more." She suggested that Ryan get a vasectomy since that would be the easiest and less invasive route. I talked it over with my husband and let him know that I would never ever ask him to alter his body and that if it was his choice I would fully support him but it was not necessary. He thought it over and finally made an appointment with his doctor for a consultation. After getting all the information he scheduled his procedure appointment for a few weeks from then. During that time the company he was working for sold and the new owners changed policies and did a whole rehiring process of the same employees. (insert eyeroll) So with that Ryan no longer had the same amount of PTO in order to take the days off he needed for the procedure. He cancelled it in the hopes of rescheduling when he was able to take time off work. Well..that never happened. I went back to the Mirena which I had before and we were covered in the no baby department. Fast forward a couple years and I turned 29. I say that because it was the first time in my life where I really thought that my life was changing. Not in a bad way but just realizing that a huge chunk of my life had already been lived. In my 20s I got married and had kids all while still trying to grow up myself. I enjoyed having this life but you do so much growth in your 20s and once you near turning 30 I feel like you are really getting to know who you are as a person. One thing that I absolutely loved in my life was being pregnant and I really started to get emotional at the fact that I would never experience that again. Then I started thinking about how I wouldn't experience the joy of a newborn right after birth. I mean you as the mom have a ton going on within yourself after you give birth but the newborn "high" if you will that you get after having your baby is a real thing! You are just in awe of this new beautiful person you created and are on cloud 9. I would never get that again. I remember thinking when I was pregnant with Raegan, how could my heart grow even more to love another child as much as I did Nicolas. But let me tell you, it does! So I knew that if I were to have another child I was fully capable to feel that same amount of bursting love like I had with the other two. I also thought about how I was older and "wiser" now. I had gone through all the anxiety of being a first time mom and then the comparison mom the second time around and how much energy that took and exhaustion that created. If I were to have another child, my mindset would be totally different. I also looked at the fact that my husband was now in his career and was more financially stable to have already allowed me to go to part time. I was already more available to our kids and the fact that I worked overnight made it easier also. I had more time to be a mom without taking myself away physically for work. So by this time I had already made some good argument points as to why having another baby would work. Now I just needed to do "research" and talk with other moms of 3 to see if I was just thinking realistically or were my head in the clouds. I first spoke to my husband's aunt who at the time just recently had her third baby, he was 6 months at the time so she was perfect to talk to about it first. She confirmed everything. That the third baby was in fact different and easier because it was now second nature to take care of a baby. Another person I talked to was a coworker who's third baby was a toddler, she said the same things. By this point I'm preparing in my head how I'm going to bring up this conversation to my husband since we were both so certain we were done having kids.

Lost

I first want to start this post by saying how incredibly grateful I am for being able to stay home with my children. 8 years ago when I had Nicolas and enjoying my days of maternity leave with him, I kept thinking about how the day would come where I would have to leave him to go back to work and it took every ounce of me not to cry every single day about it. When I returned back to work I remember thinking every day how I could make enough money that my 9-5 did so I could stay home and not miss a single moment with my baby. It just was not feasible at that time in our life. Then I had Raegan and again I couldn't bear the fact of leaving her in the hands of someone else. (Which we were very fortunate to have my Aunt watch both children when I went back to work.) But this time around maternity leave was different after I had my baby. It was no longer easy to just "get up and go" with two under two. For a long time the only place I went anywhere by myself was my mom's house and that was mainly because it was just down the street at the time. We would go for walks to a nearby park but I could feel myself craving and missing something. I joke about how I would literally watch the clock until 5:30 hit because that's when my husband got home and I was able to interact with someone who could reciprocate an intelligent conversation. When the time came for me to go back to work, I felt guilty because I wasn't as sad to go back like I was the first time. I was overwhelmed spending my days in our house while trying to keep up with house chores and keeping babies alive. In a nutshell I was losing my mind. I didn't think that I wanted to be a stay at home mom or that I had the personality or patience for it. That was until they started school. I felt like I was missing so much of this exciting time in our son's life that I so desperately wanted to be apart of. Again, me staying at home or even cutting back my hours wasn't in the cards for us however I was able to change jobs to work overnight so I was available to take my kids to and from school and be there for them to volunteer whenever I felt like it. Then things really changed for us when my husband landed a position in his career to where we were more financially stable for me to go part time and when we decided to grow our family one more time the conversation came up of me staying home after I had the baby. I never in my life thought it would be possible but it just so happened to be in the cards for us at the right time. Fast forward to when I started my leave, it was great. We had just moved into our current home so I had lots to keep me busy while we waited for the arrival of our third baby. We welcomed Rhett into our family and he is such a joy to have around. However, those same feelings I started having after I had Raegan slowly crept back in. The overwhelming feelings of not having enough time in the day to do the dishes, make sure we have food in the house, keep the house somewhat tidy, take the big kids to and from school, help with homework, interact with the dog, shower, eat, look somewhat decent, all while nursing a newborn who just happened to be a little more clingy to me than the other two had been as babies. For a while I was making it work. I was feeling pretty good about everything. Occasionally I would need to take a breather and just have a pep talk about giving myself a little grace. That not everything needs to be perfect 100% of the time. Rhett is now 5 months and lately..lately I've been feeling lost. Lost within myself, lost within my thoughts, lost within my days. It's already hard to find the positives and point out the silver linings in things, but when you feel like you're drowning the only thing you think of is how hard it is to breathe. I've been openly talking about all of my feelings with my husband but that's just it, he can't relate. He can sit there and sympathize with me and tell me that he's here to help me but I listen to what I tell him and when I hear it out loud I think I sound crazy. Everyone says how great it is that I am able to stay home to raise my kids. How it's the most important job a mom can do. How lucky I am to get this opportunity (which I know, believe me, I'm grateful). But what they don't tell you is how lonely it is. How isolating it is. And how not many people will understand because all they see is "you GET to stay home" what more could you ask for? I feel in some way that I'm over reacting and I just need to let it go. But in the heat of my days when I feel like I'm going to suffocate if I spend one more minute cooped up in my house with never ending chores, I know those feelings are real. I need to make time to get out regularly and I need to force myself out of this newfound comfort zone of not wanting to talk to anyone. Not even specifically about how I feel but talking in general. (I'm telling you these feelings are weird) I don't want to feel lonely but yet I don't want to talk to anyone. How much sense does that make? I don't want to stay at home all day, everyday but I have to force myself to leave. I feel like a horrible mom because I need to force myself out of my head in order to interact with my kids and make things fun. We read, play outside, cook, do homework, and other "normal" routine things together no problem but anything else, anything "extra" it requires more energy out of me that I just don't feel I have. I have to break this. I have to figure out a system. I have to get use to a new normal that will help develop a new routine. One thing that I've already been doing is meeting up with other mom friends. That helps so so, so much. Because even though I don't disclose completely all of these feelings I can relate to them and talk about things that we are experiencing together. Another thing that I am planning on doing is going to my local library with Rhett for lap sit story and music time. I know that these things won't immediately eliminate all my lost feelings but I hope it's a start for them to get better. So for any other moms going through this hard season whether working or staying home, you aren't alone. I get it.

Raegan update 5.19.2015

At the end of April we started the IEP process for Raegan. I took her to her first of three separate appointments. This initial meeting was with the school nurse at an elementary school that worked closely with Alta Regional. Upon meeting this lady and discussing birth history and getting all the basic health information on Raegan, she asked if she could be a little "forward" with me and ask me something. I replied with an, "of course." What she proceeded to tell me blew my mind. She was describing to me certain characteristics that Raegan had that I had never paid any attention to or just thought that was part of her chemical make up. She pointed out a number of things and then said that these were all characteristics of Down's Syndrome. It took everything in me not to loose it right at that moment because I wanted to hear out what she had to say. She was gentle in her words and was sensitive with the information. She herself has a Down's syndrome son and knew how rocky this conversation could be. She asked if I was ever genetically tested during pregnancy and I told her I wasn't because my husband and I were prepared to love our child no matter the outcome. She suggested I have Raegan do a simple blood test to rule it out. She was surprised that none of her Drs thought to have this done sooner because it would have certainly explained her delays. 

After the appointment I called our pediatrician in a panic with all the information that was just laid on me, and requested this lab test be ordered. I was taken a back. I couldn't help but cry. Cry, because of the unknown and cry because of the possibility. How could this be? After almost three years of life this was never a thought. How could after a year and a half of therapy this was never even brought up? I was devastated to say the least. Here this whole time I was thinking my child was completely healthy and "normal" (I hate using that word) but that was the thought that entered my mind and didn't leave. And wouldn't leave for the next three weeks.

We had her lab done and I found out from her Drs office that the result could take up to a month to process. That answer wasn't good enough for me so I called the lab myself to confirm. They said it should take about 16 business days. Well just shoot me in the head why don't you. Talk about going crazy! I called our pediatrician's office to check if the result was in about 50 times in these last three weeks. 

During those weeks my husband and I googled everything. I tried to soak up as much information as I possibly could about this diagnosis that I knew nothing about. What really tore me up inside was what her future would hold. If she would ever be able to live on her own. If she would ever want to get married. The fact that she wouldn't be able to bear children. Would she have trouble in any other aspect of her life? Would she understand everyday things? What I learned is that this is such an individual diagnosis. Each person with this is different in how they function, what characteristics the have, and how well they understand simple concepts. The future was simply unknown if this came back positive. I would interact and talk and play with Raegan and think, "No, there is just no way. Absolutely not a possibility." But then I would think, "no, this really could be a possibility." Our minds were cluttered with this constant juggle. 

Today I decided to call her Drs office once again to see if the result was in. The girl I spoke to was the same girl I had bothered so many times before with the same question. She put me on hold and when she returned she informed me that the result was back however her dr had not reviewed it yet and was out of the office until tomorrow. She explained to me that he will sometimes work from home and would get back to me if not tonight then first thing in the morning. The call ended and my whole body was shaking. My heart was beating a mile a minute and I felt as though I was going to be sick. I called back about a half hour later and pleaded to see if his covering dr would read the results and relay them to me. I explained that I have been anxiously waiting and how this would change everything and basically that I needed to know..now. A message was sent in the hopes that someone would call me back with answers. 

An hour later, her Dr himself called me, from home, to relay the news. He was very sweet in his words and understood my urgency. He happily said that her chromosome count came back NORMAL. I burst into tears. I have never in my life sighed a larger breath of relief. A weight had been lifted and I was able to breathe again. Of course if the outcome had been different we would love our daughter no less. We would work out whatever we needed to in order for life to be perfect for her. It was a hard few weeks that put our minds in a puzzle and we are so overjoyed with the clean bill of health that we received today. Our hearts will sleep peaceful tonight. 

Mamamamamama

Just when I started to doubt whether or not therapy was working. Just when I was about to lose all hope that my baby was understanding the help that was being given. Just when I got discouraged..she said it.

 

MAMAMAMAMAMAMA!

 

This last Monday towards the end of her speech therapy, Raegan was starting to get anxious. It was snack time. All she wanted was me. She was no longer interested in Emma, her therapist. It’s almost like she has an internal 50 minute clock. She knows when therapy is done. I was discussing things she had done in the session, things to start doing more of, and our goals with Emma while Raegan was trying to climb all over me. Then it happened. “MAMAMAMA.” Emma went into complete celebrations and my eyes welled with the happiest tears! The therapist explained to me that although this was a HUGE accomplishment I cannot be discouraged if I didn’t hear it again for a while. Just to keep repeating it to her and bring her hand to my mouth so she can grasp the vibration concept. Once she left, Nicolas continued to play in his room and Raegan and I just played in the living room. I was so proud of my baby girl. I kept saying “mama” to her and eventually with no effort at all she said it back! I was quick enough to catch her on video. I sent the video to everyone including her therapist.

 

A few weeks ago when we were on our way to daycare Nicolas kept calling for me. Our conversation went like this..

 

“Mama?”

“Yes baby?”

“Mama?”

“Yes Nicolas”

“Mama?”

“What Nicolas?”

“Mama?” (giggles)

“Ok I’m not going to answer you anymore.”

“Mama-what. Mama-what. Mama-what” (tons more giggles)

 

At that moment I remember thinking, “Oh man, this kid is going to drive me nuts!” Nicolas calls for me a million times a day. Most of the time I answer. Sometimes I know he’s just saying it just to say it. I know that it’s these times that I take for granted. I take for granted that Nicolas can talk so well because I yearn for Raegan to be at his level. You don’t realize how precious someone’s voice is until you aren’t able to hear it. And this is just confirmation that these little beings teach me way more than I will ever teach them.

 

 

Feeling a little discouraged

*I apologize in advance if this post doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. I’m trying not to be emotional but this is just something I have to get off my chest before I burst into tears. I took the morning off because Raegan had her first Occupational Therapy session. I was excited to see what they would recommend we start doing to help her catch up to speed. My husband unfortunately was not able to take the morning off to be there also so I had him take Nicolas to daycare to allow my full attention on the session. It went great. She gave me all kinds of tools to implement on a daily basis. She explained the reasoning for some of the activities and what they would teach her. I felt all sorts of confident with how things went today. Then I got to work and scrolled through social media during my break. I see pictures and videos of kids all throughout my feed and normally I find them sweet and cute. Not today. Today I find myself feeling really jealous. The first was a video of a baby who is waaaaay younger than Raegan and already saying “mama.” The other was a picture of a girl who is right about the same age (give or take a few weeks) who I already know from other posts by her mom that she is really advanced. Why were these babies hitting their milestones and mine isn’t? I just keep thinking, why not Raegan? Why can’t she do that? Why can’t she say that? I’m just feeling a little discouraged right about now. I know that she will reach the goals we have set for her eventually. I have to stay positive. For her. It’s hard, but I have to.

To my father..

I don’t even know how to start this. Do I say ‘Dear Father?’ This isn’t a formal letter just something I believe I need to write you. I have a different type of spiritual belief that by writing this, you’ll somehow read it.Where do I even begin. From the beginning? How I felt when I got the call you died? How I’ve grown as a person not “needing” you? But that’s just it. I did need you. I still do in some form. After I became a mom I didn't  understand your thought process. I can’t understand that knowing you had become a parent to two young children that turn to you for care and guidance, you just leave. I’ve talked with mom about this over and over again throughout the years to try to see your side. I still don’t. What I do understand is that you had a terrible addiction. An addiction that overpowered your life. But instead of wanting to get better for your children you decided to head down a different path. All growing up I missed you. I wanted you to miraculously show up back in my life. It would make me so sad that I couldn’t remember you. My sister would have memories of you, very vague ones but still memories nonetheless. I was jealous. I would ask mom all the time to tell me about you. I would ask her questions like, “If dad were to ever come back and need a place to stay, would you let him stay with us?” Of course her response was always no, and for good reason. I would get so upset with her. I would cry and cry because she didn’t love you anymore. One time I found a letter in my grandma’s room that you had sent to my sister. I was so happy I found it, but upset because my grandma kept it from me. I hurried through the letter anxious to read what you wrote. I was in tears by the time I was finished. There was not a single mention of me at all. The letter was only to my sister. You wrote how one day you and she would be united again. How with your new girlfriend and her daughter and my sister would eventually be a family. I felt forgotten. I put the letter back in the envelope and back on my grandma’s dresser. I went out to her and just cried on her lap for what seemed like hours. I was devastated. My own dad didn’t care to include me. 

Flash back Friday::My brother

Lately I have been thinking about my brother a lot. Thinking, worrying, same thing. We have an 11 year age difference so most of the time when I talk to him or advise him, I feel like I’m talking to him like he’s my kid. I remember the day he was born like it was yesterday! April 6, 1999. My grandparents picked me up from softball practice (I know weird right? It was my first and last season haha) and we went to grab something quick to eat for dinner. While on our way to my house so they could drop me off we noticed parked near my home were two police cars, one fire truck and one ambulance. We were thinking maybe they were there for the elderly lady that lived next door. As we got closer, we saw the first responders going in and out of my house! We were in shock. What was going on?!? When we got inside they had told us that my mom would be rushed to the hospital because she was hemorrhaging. They took her and my grandparents, my sister and myself were right behind them. My mom had already called my step dad so he could leave work and meet us at the hospital. Later that evening, my sister and I gained a little brother. He was the most precious baby I had ever seen. I could have stared at him forever.

Time just goes by way too fast! I miss him at this young/fun stage! 

Fast forward to just a few days ago. My baby brother turned 15!! I can’t believe it! How did that happen? When did that happen? I’m excited/nervous for him to grow up. Soon he’ll be driving. Watch out! He’s already practicing. He’s actually pretty good and I know he’ll be careful. He can’t wait to get a job and start making money, which I’ve already given him good places to apply. He’s really into soccer and hopefully more than he is into girls. He has a group of close friends which I’m glad for however I hope if they ever act like idiots, my brother thinks before he acts stupid right along with them. I always worry about him. Probably more than I should. I guess that’s the mom in me. Hearing all these news stories of a mindless acts that happen to or are caused by teenagers, I just constantly hope he is listening to his conscience and maintaining that good head on his shoulders. 

Such a handsome brother I have! ((He's not allowed to date..EVER!))

He will always be my little brother that towers over me that I love so much! And I hope he knows that I will always be here for him whenever he needs me. But who are we kidding? He’s a teenager who knows it ALL!

Let's talk babies..

Or lack there of.

 

 

Before my husband and I got married, I laugh now because I was dead set on having lots of kids. Like 4 or 5. Well… that has changed.  Nicolas will be turning 4 in October and Raegan will be 2 the end of May, so although they may forever theoretically be my babies, they are literally no longer babies. Now, because they are not babies any more, I get asked more often than not, “So, are you going to have another?”

 

Since I was 18 I have worked full time. Being a stay at home mom was just something that never even crossed my mind. We had our first son and while I loved being on maternity leave, I eventually had to go back to work for financial reasons. Then I got pregnant with our daughter and again, loved being on maternity leave but when it got closer for me to go back to work, I almost couldn’t wait. Yes I love being around my children, but could I do it full time? Nope, not a chance. I crave adult interaction. I like relating to people. Helping people. I am even looking into going back to school so I can start steering myself into the career of my choice. More on that later. With that being said. I will always work full time. Or close to it. I love the idea of making my own money. And helping contribute financially to our family while doing something that challenges my mind is an added bonus. Now the having more children part. Although I like the newborn smell and nothing beats rocking a swaddled baby to sleep, I just don’t have the time for another one. Could I make time? Sure. But do I want to? Nope. As selfish as you may think that sounds, I just really don’t care. Like I mentioned just a minute ago, I work. I will always work. My week days right now are hectic as it is. In the morning, both my husband and I scramble to get ourselves ready, the kids ready, and make sure we all have packed lunches while getting out the door on time. I drop off the kids then head to work a full day. My husband picks them up and when I get home I barely have enough time to sit down to eat dinner let alone do anything else. Between washing dishes and making dinner, then washing more dishes, then picking up the house, and bath times, then maybe a load of laundry here and there, I just can’t see myself adding another child into the mix. I could probably make it work but then I would be spread even more thin than I already am. I look forward to those evenings where I have time to spare where I can play dolls with Raegan or build Lego sky scrapers with Nicolas. I feel that if we were to add another baby, I wouldn’t get those small windows of time to bond with Nicolas and Raegan. I wouldn’t want to make them ever feel like I didn’t have time for them together or individually.

Another reason is because we are almost, almost, almost in the clear of the no kid zone. What I mean by that is out of all our friends, my husband and I were the first to get married the first to have children. Some of our friends still aren’t married and still don’t have kids. Which is ok. Everyone is on their own time schedule. But when my husband and I look into the future we see that because we are already out of the baby stage we are closer to the enjoying being married without diaper bags and highchairs stage. We are able to leave our children over night at grandma’s so we can go out and enjoy ourselves every so often. Which in turn makes it closer for us to go on vacations just the two of us. If we were to have another, I’d be that attached at the boob mom. I wouldn’t be able to leave the baby for longer than a few hours. And that my friends, does not sound appealing.

 

 

So let me answer that question for you..no, as of this moment in time, we will not be making any more babies. These two keep me busy enough!

 

Appointments on top of appointments and more appointments

So as I stated before, Raegan is a patient of the California Alta Regional center. We had a speech therapist and physical therapist from an outside organization meet with her at our house. They evaluated and worked with her in structured play to see what type of delays she had. About a week later we met with our assigned case worker through Alta Regional and came up with goals we would like for Raegan's progress. About a week after that I got a call from the case worker letting us know due to Raegan's delays, she would be granted one speech therapy session a week, one physical therapy session a week and two occupational therapy sessions a month. Here's the best part..all these therapists want to schedule between the hours of 8:30-4 Monday through Friday. That would work out perfect if I were a stay at home mom or had a job that I could just leisurely take time off here and there. We finally have it somewhat set. Speech therapy is every Monday at 3 and because I'm with a new company I can only take off so much time for these sessions so my husband and I are switching off being present every other Monday. Physical therapy met with us for her initial session on a Thursday after we got home from work because she was a different therapist than the one that came out for her evaluation. We wanted to be able to meet her so that way she could start meeting with Raegan at daycare. Since her 18/20 month well check, our insurance coverage has changed and we made an appointment for Raegan to meet with her new doctor. Yep, another appointment. I went in there prepared. Had every chain of events lined up in my head so I could catch him up to speed. I had copies of her evaluations so he could have them on file for her. I requested right away that she be referred for a hearing test to see if her hearing may be contributing to the fact that she doesn't speak yet, the doctor agreed that was a good idea. He was very attentive and was very reassuring that we were in great hands with Alta. In fact, he said that would have been the first place he would have referred her to if she had been his patient from birth.
Oh did I mention this doctor is the same doctor that my husband saw when he was a child? In fact, this doctor saved my husband's life. But that's a whole different story for a different day.

Also during the appointment the doctor mentioned he would put in another referral for Raegan to see a Pediatric Neurologist. Another appointment. I went to work after we met with her pediatrition and researched the neurology office she would be referred to. I'm waiting at the moment still to be scheduled for her consultation. Now if I can just find the time for all these appointments, I'll be set.

There is nothing wrong, but there is something wrong..

If you take a look at my past posts about our daughter you can clearly read that she was behind in reaching certain milestones. When we took her to her one year well baby visit, she wasn’t walking or talking. We had many concerns but her doctor indicated to us that she would do these things in time. He eased our minds and we just began working with her more than before at home. We would help her pull herself to a stand so she could strengthen her legs. We got her a push toy so we could get her use to walking. We read to her any chance we got. She was making progress but not enough to make our worries go completely away. We took her in to her 18 month well check right around her 20 month mark (procrastinating at best) and after we addressed all our concerns and showed the doctor what she can and cannot do, he decided that she was in fact developmentally delayed. I knew it. My husband knew it. Even before we went in. We just didn’t want to believe it. Your babies are born perfect. And nothing can change your mind that they aren’t. But that’s just it. No one is. We all have our disabilities. It’s whether or not they require attention. Whether or not you choose to get help for them. We decided to do anything and everything the doctor recommended. He handed me a packet to fill out and mail back to their Early Childhood Development Department. That day at work, I read every line of that packet of paperwork. Twice. Then again slowly. I let every word and every question sink deep in my brain so I understood completely what it was saying and asking. I filled it out. I reviewed it. Reviewed it again. I kept thinking for each question..”can she do that?..umm..yea I think so..no, she can’t.” I wanted to badly to believe that she could do everything they were asking. But who would that help if I kept blinding myself of what was really going on? No one. She wouldn't get the help I could clearly see she needed. It was devastating to read that all except a few answers were marked, “not yet.” Can your child do..A,B, and/or C? Not yet. Can he/she do..blank? Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. It broke my heart. Tears welled up in my eyes all that day. There is a problem. Right there in front of me. In black and white. All I wanted to do was hold my sweet daughter and rock her and tell her that everything was going to turn out fine because Mommy and Daddy would do whatever we could to help her. I had posted a photo of Raegan on Facebook that day letting family and friends know of the journey we had ahead of us and my husband’s grandma contacted me to get in touch with her as soon as possible. I called her the second I got off work and she told me she use to sit on the board at California’s Alta Regional Center for Early Childhood Development. She told me that she would contact them and get the ball rolling on evaluating Raegan to see if she was a candidate for this program. When I reviewed the paperwork the doctor gave me, I read that the forms were to have her evaluated in their own developmental program within their own medical foundation. Once they accepted her for treatment they would evaluate her further to see if she was a candidate for Alta Regional. I was torn whether or not I should follow her doctor’s recommended steps or to just jump into having her evaluated with Alta from the pulled strings by my husband’s grandma. After talking everything over with my husband, we decided to just go straight with Alta instead of going through referrals upon referrals just to ultimately get to the same outcome. Raegan was going to get the help she needed if my life depended on it. No matter which way we went, that was the main goal. Within a week and a half my phone was blowing up with therapists calling to schedule her evaluations. I had spoken with her case worker that was assigned to her to help manage Raegan’s treatment plan a few times by then. It seemed like in no time at all we could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

This was the picture I posted on Facebook originally and I got an overwhelming amount of support from all our family and friends.

I can't get enough of them..(period)

I drew these shape friends for Nicolas and you would think I just did backflips or something because he thought it was so cool! Ha! I'm glad he's easy to please.

I just recently put the majority of Raegan's toys in her room because honestly, my house looks like a disaster with toys everywhere and I needed to regain some adult space. Anyway, she loves playing in her room because there are no big brothers stealing toys from her. She's so peaceful and happy playing quietly by herself. So sweet!

I die! She is too precious for her own good! I could just eat her up! Those thighs!!! Ahhh! I never want her to get bigger.

I'm raising a hillbilly. Or a boy. Or both. He's just too much! All boy, that's for sure!

You better believe little miss ate this all up! She is quite the chunker these days! She especially loved the raspberries!

He was pretty proud of this new move. "Hey momma, whatchu doing? Take a picture! CHEEEESE!" Haha! Silly goose!

when you notice they aren't babies anymore

Every mom has experienced this. And I did with both my children just a few days ago. In the midst of taking a million pictures of them, you look back and BAM! There is the picture that changes the game. The one that makes you tear up instantly. Not because it didn't come out the way you wanted it to. But because it's a glimmer of what your precious pea will look like as a teenager! It's true that they grow so fast and when you see them everyday you don't necessarily notice how much in such a short amount of time. So without further ado...

Nicolas,
Really???? This day when we got home from work and daycare, I let you check the mail because your daddy wasn't home yet so I knew it was still in there. It was all junk obviously and I let you carry it up to the door while I got your sister out. You plopped yourself down on the door step and starting what looked like reading the ads. It was absolutely an adorable sight so naturally I snapped a few pictures. Then once we got inside the house I looked back at the pictures and there was this one. My eyes instantly welled up. When did you get so big? You have such a smoldering handsome look about you in this shot and it took my breath away. I could see you as a 17 year old boy. I could see you all grown up. Why are you in such a hurry to get there? Don't you know I'm not ready for that yet? You've hit the stage where your looks are permanent. When you're grown, we can look back at this picture and I'm certain you will look exactly the same. One more thing, please slow down.

Raegan,
Look at you pretty girl! This picture was taken because you just looked absolutely adorable in this jumper that I had to send a picture to your Aunt Devan. Her text back to me was exactly what I was thinking, that you looked so big here. Anyone that knows you knows how petite you are but for some reason you just look so grown here. Maybe it's the angle from which it's taken, but whatever the reason I don't like it. You're taking a liking to your brother's pace and if you're not aware, I don't approve. Your smile cracks me up in this picture because you look like you are so proud of your standing accomplishment, of which you should be. But again, I can see a glimmer of the teenage you. There's only one thing I'm sure of, you will only get more beautiful. I'll end same as I did for your brother, please slow down.

Raegan..lately

Since my last update (aside from her birthday post) on little miss a lot has happened. When she had her one year check up I had a million questions. Once you have two children it's inevitable to compare the two. From looks to milestones to personality. I kick myself for doing so because what I failed to realize was that Raegan is her own person.

I was starting to get worried because by the time she neared her 12th month, she wasn't pulling herself up to a stand and really had no desire to stand even with her hands held then when she did stand she would only put her weight on her toes. She was crawling but army style and would only get on her hands and knees to rock back and forth. I had tried to feed her the baby food that had chunks of meat or noodle so she could get use to eating normal food, that was not happening, she would gag and would turn her head away crying. This definitely broke my heart. Not because I was eager for her to grow and do all these things but because I feared something was wrong. So then we met with her dr.

I love him, by the way. He always makes me feel at ease when I'm unsure. I feel like motherhood came naturally to me but there are times when I'm not certain of what to do or if everything is ok.

Anyway, I had asked him about her not-yet-reached milestones and he assured me that she would do those things on her own time schedule and that I should stop comparing her with her brother.

He was right. Now at 14 months she is crawling like a mad woman, feeding herself finger foods, pulling herself up to a stand and even walking while holding onto furniture. I am so excited for her! She is still a baby by all means. She weighed 17 pounds at her one year dr.'s visit and even still she doesn't feel any heavier. A petite little princess I have.

She loves playing with her toys, with her brother's toys, with the dvds, with kitchen goodies, with the diaper caddy, with the dog bowls, with mom and dad's phones. She hardly ever cries (nothing new) but when she does oh man! is it the end of the world! Mostly, she whines, usually when she's hungry. She loves to squeal and clap her hands. She doesn't really sound like she's making any advances in talking but that's ok because she will soon enough. One of my favorite things she does is give hugs. I'm talking the best hugs! I will pick her up as soon as I walk in the door and she wraps her little chunky arms around my neck and all becomes right in the world!

This little girl is amazing! I can't wait to see what else she learns and discovers she can do.

Nicolas..lately

This boy is growing way too fast. Faster than I'd like to admit. Faster than I'd like for him to. And faster than I can keep up with. It seems like everyday he does or says something new. He has such a fun, rambunctious personality. He really is a ball of energy! If you allow, he will be on the go all day long.

He's very much a boy! Pirates. Monsters. Trains. Airplanes. Dinosaurs. Jets. Cars. Trucks. Hockey. Drums. Swimming. Running. Soccer. You name it, he likes it! His favorite foods include: peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, doritos, applesauce, bananas, oatmeal, string cheese, hamburgers, pizza, scrambled eggs, pancakes, and granola bars.

He talks up a storm. From telling me that I'm driving too fast, to which direction I should turn. (By the way he knows which way I need to go to get to my grandma's house and at the light he always tells me "go straight momma!!" I'll take him out of the bath, which is always a huge fight because he's never ready, he tells me "I don't need you anymore!" (My heart breaks a little every time, and where he learned it I don't know.) He tells me I'm his best friend and also tells me to have a good day at work when I drop him off at daycare.

 He is always wanting to play. He loves to help me with things around the house. Especially when I'm making dinner,  he continuously asks if he can help. When he makes a mess, which is more often than not, he has no problem cleaning it up of course after I ask him to.

 Make no mistake, this boy is a sweet heart but don't be fooled. He has a little monster in him. He is definitely an instant gratification kid. He doesn't always get his way, mind you. So when he looses it is meltdown city.

 But how could you not love a boy like this? He truly is the best thing since peanut butter and jelly sandwiches! He's my baby even though every day he reminds me he's growing up.

12 months..better late than never

Yes, Raegan's 12 month mark has come and gone and I am just barely getting around to documenting it.

There will be three parts to her 12 month milestone. Photo shoot. What we did on her actual birthday. And her party.

Her photo shoot..

 

Her actual birthday...

Her birthday landed on a weekday so we decided that because we were going to have a party for her, on her actual day we would keep it very low key. We took her out to ice cream. Just us. We knew it would be a quick trip considering bed time wasn't too far along with their attention spans.

Now of course princess didn't get her own so Ryan and I got scoops and we just all shared.

I'd say she liked it!

 

Her actual party: that took place probably a month after her actual birthday..oops!

::BEWARE OF THE PICTURE OVERLOAD::

 

 

 We all decided to help with blowing out the candle.

 Of course Nicolas wanted his own candle to blow out..we played along.

 Believe it or not but this girl devoured her entire cupcake! She is definitely momma's girl!

After this was taken, into the bath she went!

 One of her most precious gifts: my grandma made her a quilt. She now has two. I'm jealous!

 Another one of her gifts was a toy vanity. Super cute. And I think the boys were more interested in it than she was. HA!

 This was the best family picture we could get and if you know my son, you know that I'm telling the truth! I kid you not, we took maybe ten, and this was the best, what does that tell you? Haha!

 

So there in a nutshell, is how we celebrated Raegan turning 1. We love this little girl more than she will ever know! She really does light up a room and we are so happy to have her as a part of our family.